Hamster Wheel

I posted this 2 years ago.  We are now here in 2015 and I don't see any results. In fact, I've gained 15 lbs.  But I would like to attempt this again.

Okay D-day is approximately 240 days from now.  I may have miscounted but whatever is uncomfortably close.  I'll be 40 on the 7th day of October in year of 2013.   Since I've gain about 50 lbs of weight since I was 30, it seems only fitting that I lose 40 of it by the time I'm 40.  Or I do the opposite, gain 60 lbs before I'm 50.   The second choice is much scarier yet probably easier for me.  So today, like many other days in the past, I'm going to start a new diet.   Pardon me, a new way of life!  Anyways, here is yet another attempt to lose weight and change my life.
I hope this year, 2013,  will be the big year of positive transformation for me.  The last 5 years of my life have been pretty daggum horrible to say the least.    But I'm feeling my sense of hope renew. I'm only one-half of a class away from my BA.  We are in a much smaller house with a much smaller mortgage payment.  I can talk about losing my dog without crying.  I'm slowly paying off our debts.  And I've kept our cable and wireless turned on for 3 consecutive months.   These are may seem like little achievements but they are huge to me.  I'm slowly learning to celebrate small victories.
I've lowered my expectations immensely.  I've kept them at the bottom so long that they are finally growing roots.  That's a good thing.  Lowered, firmly rooted, expectations counterweights my unrealistic, lofty, ambitions.   I am no longer frustrated that I'm not a famous celebrated, screenwriter, author, political analyst etc.   I given up that I will always have to work very hard to make it ahead.  I will probably never have enough money and I may always be in debt.   I hope not but I'll be okay either way.
So I'm turning my focus to my weight.  It is something that I can control.  I've let outside events and other people's schedules and opinions keep me from exercise and eating healthy.  I've blame them all and the stress from it for why I'm overweight.  But I've got to face the fact, that many folks have gone through terrible events, worse than mine, and they haven't let themselves go to pot.  As of today, I still have a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids, a roof over my head, and a job.   I've got plenty of support but no resolve.  My new mantra is  - I can handle this.  I won't let it handle me.
So no more excuses, no more victim attitude.  No more eating a loaf of garlic bread and drinking a bottle of Malbec to celebrate the fact that I got through the day.  No more downing a box of cheez-its and a six pack of beer to ease my anger at traffic.  No more smoking cigarettes and crying in Rum and Coke when things don't work out they way I expect them to or when somebody's mean to me.
I'm going to document my new approach daily in hopes to help someone in my situation.  Even if I help one person, that's huge.